My maid-of-honor was a protocol officer in the Air Force. That means that she was required to know exactly what should be done when and for whom, along with what music should be playing and which flags should be displayed. While I did think it was kind of cool that she routinely rubbed elbows with the President, the Vice President, and about a zillion foreign dignitaries (one of whom smuggled in some sort of Uzbekistani melon in the diplomatic pouch, which she then had to slice up and serve - what a waste of her Physics degree), the details of protocol bored me to tears.

On the other hand, I love knowing more about what to do and say to put people at ease and make them like me. I hear that’s called “charm”; I’m still working on acquiring it.

At its core, Were You Raised by Wolves? is about being charming. It’s about doing what will make other people want to be around you - not by telling jokes (even good ones) or buying them beer (although it won’t hurt) or by laughing at their jokes (even if they stink).

Wait a minute, you say. How can making my bed make people want to be around me? Who gives a damn if I can boil an egg? Is it really that important to know how to cook a turkey?

Sadly, all of these things - and many more covered by author Christie Mellor - are all about appearances, and like it or not, appearances matter. If people are so put off by what they see on the surface - including your unmade bed - they are not going to bother to find out what a wonderful person you are on the inside. Sorry, but it’s true. Nobody has time to mess with someone who seems like an unkempt jerk because probably, even deep down, they really ARE an unkempt jerk.

That said, therein lies the problem with this gem of a book. All the unkempt jerks who should be reading it won’t read it because they are convinced that they’re perfect. Or, even if they realize they aren’t perfect, they’re perfectly happy to remain ignorant of the life lessons that have been condensed into one extremely useful yet screamingly funny book.

Seriously, I can think of at least a dozen people off the top of my head - people I LIKE - who could benefit from this book, but who would get their panties (or boxers, as it were) in a knot at the mere suggestion that they could learn a thing or two.

In any case, I’m glad to report that I learned a thing or two (hundred). Sure, I skimmed the cooking parts (you knew I would) and I still keep my coffee beans in the freezer, but there were plenty of other areas that I read and re-read and took to heart. I wish more people would do the same.

And my mother - who would probably love to have a Manhattan or two with Christie Mellor - was the one who told me about the effect of bed-making years ago. They’re both right. Don’t believe us? Try it yourself.

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